Wednesday, January 25, 2012

good...then bad

Well, it was just last night that I was thinking I should come on and give myself an update.  Just so there won't be any huge gaps for future reading.  I've been doing really well.  Only a few rubber band smacks to myself.  I had the weekend (fri, sat, and sun) off work this past weekend.  The first time I've had a complete weekend off since June when I started.  I usually work every Sat and Sun.  Have had 1 Sat, 1 Sun off in 6 months and they weren't together.  It was GREAT.  Adam didn't come so I just got to relax and be.  That being said I was bored out of my mind most of the time, but I got much needed physical and mental rest. 

It started again last night.  I'm laying in bed tossing and turning with this huge pit in my stomach.  I only slept a couple hours total.  It was one of those fall asleep and then wake up wide awake 30 minutes later then it would take me an hour to go to sleep again.  I cried all the way to work today and couldn't stop when I got there :( I cried for 10 minutes after I got there.  So work was ok, went better than a lot of days I have, mood wise anyhow.  I was EXHAUSTED, got off at 8. Mom picked me up, we went to get something to eat and by the grocery store.  I ate, watched a little tv, took my bath around 12:30, and layed down.  It's 3:34 am, I am so tired, I've been crying again, and I can't go to sleep.  Everytime I try I get that feeling in my stomach and just lay and stare and worry and cry.  I am driving myself insane.  I just popped myself twice, cuz I thought about killing myself.  I know I'm going to have to answer for all this one day, and what am I going to tell Him?  Well, now I have something new to worry about. 

I was ok a little bit ago and when I layed down my phone and closed my eyes I started thinking about, Mom is going to die, not right now but one day it's going to happen and I'll have to live the rest of my life without her.  I'm crying again.  I cannot imagine life without her in it.  She is literally the glue that holds me together, as together as I am.  Just out of the blue I start thinking about that and crying.  WTF???

GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


1 comment:

Moonbeams and Applesauce said...

Amanda, I am sorry you are feeling so sad and struggling. Never forget to hold on to hope. It has helped me through the most trying of times. And though it is small, perhaps this may cheer you up a bit...you won my blog give away! Please email me your address so that I can send your lanterns!