Saturday, December 8, 2012

August to present

Well, it's been a couple of weeks.  I have great news...I got a job today.  I wanted to start off on a high note, because I ended the last one saying this was going to be a lot of hate and self-loathing and it is so here it is.

It took probably 3 weeks to begin to be able to stop walking around like a zombie and feeling like someone had died.  I signed up for unemployment, was able to draw 148 a week.  I remember commenting that on the the last post, I lost approximately 3/4 of my pay.  I started sending out resumes.  The one thing my degree has gotten me is more does opening.  People I never heard a word from before were suddenly calling and setting up interviews.  I blew SEVERAL.  You know me and interviews, tongue-tied and a bumbling idiot. 

A girl I went to high school with got me an interview with GMAC insurance.  My cousin is an exec there, I figure I got this.  I got a book from the library and found answers to all those questions I have always stumbled on in the past.  It was hands down the best interview I have ever had.  I nailed every question, I even impressed myself.  I walked out knowing I had that job.  Guess, NO!  I was able to get a job doing customer service over the internet at home. My dream job, right? WRONG!  The place is called  They do outsourced customer service.  I was hired to do customer service for Best Buy, but let me tell ya about this process.  They send you an email and you do a telephone interview.  Then they send you this software that you have to test your computer's compatibiltiy with and it reports right back to them.  I did that everything was great.  I got a letter extending an offer.  I was to go to a website and schedule a time to listen to a conference call and get details.  I tried 10 times a day for weeks to schedule this call.  I called, emailed, and chatted every day for 2 weeks until finally someone did it for me.  This should have given me a clue, but everything is hard for me so I didn't give up.  They sent me paperwork to pay for a drug test and then I knew it was legit.  I passed my drug test and was sent my info packet.  Time and start date.  Yay me!  It was seasonal, but if you do well, you have a great chance of getting hired permanent. 

My first day I got logged in and the class turned out to be a webinar with around 40 people.  We got started and after an hour the class closed down and we were all knocked out.  I messed around for a couple hours and finally found the correct class.  The whole rest of the day was spent with twiddling of the thumbs waiting to see if others would get logged in.  So we started a day behind.  There were people in the class who, took a job working on the internet and could barely get logged on to it.  It wasn't just their fault though, their operating system was a travesty.  Probably mid way through the 2nd day we started making some progress and the rest of the week went well.  The following Tuesday Hurricane Sandy hit.  It totally screwed up their already failing system to the point that most people couldn't even get logged on.  We spent days just sitting there, meanwhile our training time is getting sucked up with this.  Just an example, Day 10 we were doing day 4 work.  It was all downhill from there, and I haven't even mentioned the part where I was put into a home theater and appliance sales position, HUH? The closer it got to time to go live the more scared I became.  There were literally 10 programs you had to have open all at once, inputting info into them simultaneously.  Did I mention that we finally got logged in to all the systems Friday night right before end of class, and went live the following Tuesday.  So not only did we only have one class day to figure out how to work all this stuff, we hadn't been taught how to do it either.  Our teacher kept saying fake it til you make it.  This place is so unorganized I quit after 1 hour on the 3rd day of the week and got paid for the whole rest of the week like I was there.

So the last few weeks I have been putting in apps and sending resumes and going here and there and getting a whole lot of nothing.  I had been putting it off for weeks and finally went this past Wednesday to a temp service in High Point to hopefully get a job in the warehouse of a fairly new factory here.  The day I went they just happened to be hiring for the call center.  I went for an interview Thursday and found out definitely yesterday I got the job and start Monday.  Around 7 minutes from the house, first shift, 10 an hour, and wear whatever. 

I have been in such a dark place the last few weeks.  Mom started getting nervous every time I left the house, I go for days without sleeping.  I had to go to the pawn shop last night to be able to get gas to go this morning.  I forgot my phone and when I got home my Mom was crying like a baby because she didn't know I didn't have my phone and she couldn't reach me.  I am a basket case.  I thought it would be over today, but I can't shake it.  It is 3 am on Saturday, since around 12 on Wednesday I have slept MAYBE 8 hours.  I am a basket case.  I was so happy when I came home.  Mom started calling people and when she talked to Teri, my high crashed.  Adam got off the bus yesterday, walked to his Mom's work and cried and cried, asking why he doesn't have a normal family like others and he is going thru some stuff.  So not only am in my own crazy place, I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach because my baby is hurt and I can't help him.  So I texted him twice and when he went to lunch at school he texted me and I told him I got a job and he was happy and told me he was ok.  I calmed down enough then to go to sleep.  I slept 3 hours and Mom woke me up saying that if we didn't get up we wouldn't be able to sleep tonight...she has been asleep since I'm still up.  I talked to Adam on the phone yesterday afternoon and he wouldn't tell me what it wrong.  We are going over there today so maybe I can get him to talk to me, I hope so.

I have never worked for a temp service so now I'm obsessing over that.  This place is notorious for layoffs, but ain't that why they use temps so they can let the shivvies go?  I wish I could go a whole day and be happy.  God knows I am thankful, but this temp service business scares me.  They can let you go at the drop of a hat.  I know that I need  just to be the best that I can be and that's all I can do.  I will do that on the outside, but on the inside I'm screaming and worrying all the time. 

So yeah, we put up a little Christmas decorations, Adam already knows he is not getting anything for Christmas, maybe $25 but I really don't know.  Hopefully the money will work out and I can do more.  I found the thing on pinterest on how to make a money tree.  That is what I want to do, check this out. Granted it will be mostly ones but still very cute idea that I know he will love.

I have to get up in 6 hrs for another long day so goodnight and I'll check back in soon.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Day 2 June-August

Ok so to continuing yesterdays story...

The affiliates got so rabid, there were lines.  I mean unbelieveable lines.  I stopped getting a lunch break probably April, and it just continued to grow.  It got to the point that we had to start parking across the street, because people were showing up hours before we even got there to wait.  There would be a line down the side of the building when we got there at 8:30 and we didn't open til 9:00.  Every day the line got a little longer and if it hadn't been for the officers that we had doing crowd control I honestly don't know what I would have done.  We started getting media attention because of this.  A lot of it was negative.  The newspaper came frequently and took pictures of the lines. 

The perks to this job were amazing.  Not only did I work 9-5 or whenever I wanted to go home, I got a dollar an hour raise at my 90 day mark along with insurance that was paid 100% by the company. Yes, I said it free insurance and it was good insurance too. Then people started gifting us.   It started with people bringing us lunch.  We never got a break so people brought us lunch almost every day.  And not just lunch, cakes, doughnuts, fruit, flowers, gift cards.  On my birthday I bought myself a kindle fire, just with gift cards and money the affiliates gave me.  In one weeks time I got 200 just in tips.  They treated us like rock stars.  The only downside to this job were customer service issues.  We stopped being able to answer the phones.  They really should have hired extra people just to do that but they didn't.  So, people would come in that had been waiting in line for hours and the longer they waited the more pissed they got.  If they made changes to the program they would send out updates on the company blog.  If you didn't read the blog you might not get the info about changes.  People would come up after waiting for hours and might have a problem that we simply could not fix.  We had a protocol about certain issues and who addressed them.  If the person didn't feel like their problem was being addressed soon enough they would show up at the door and show their asses.  In July and August they made several changes to the program and it was a difficult time for us.  People were showing their asses on the regular and getting thrown out left and right.  My favorite phrase around this time was how ugly greed was. 

Sometime toward the end of July, we got issued a challenge.  They gave us until August 15 to get all the mail caught up and we would all receive a 1000 dollar bonus.  We worked feverishly.  I was working 6 days a week and 11-12 hours a day.  We met our challenge and all received the bonus.  On August 16, my world got turned upside down.  Their was an article in our local paper about us again.  This time much more negative than all the others and a scary little piece about how the Attorney General was making inquiries.  That whole afternoon was a nightmare that I won't go over in detail, but one moment I was at my desk helping customers.  The next I was in the back room being told that the SEC was shutting us down and the CEO was under criminal investigation.  What came out over the next month was that the company I worked for was the biggest Ponzi scheme in history.  At first we were all in disbelief and thinking after a while they would audit us, see we were legit, and we could open back up.  As the days turned into weeks, we found out all the ugliness.  I still don't really think that the CEO was at complete fault.  I believe these things were done by the shady people that he put his trust in to, Miss Dawn Wright-Olivares being at the top of that list. 

I went from making 400 a week without overtime to drawing 148 a week.  I was devastated.  I literally walked around in a daze for weeks.  I'm still not completely over it yet.  It was the job of my dreams and I can't see ever getting a shot like that again.  Believe me, over the last few months I have done a lot of searching and came up with squat!  Today my post was shorter, I guess I was in detail mode last night.  This one was hard because this was the painful part.  I went from being able to pay 3 bills with one check to barely scraping by again.  The biggest heartbreak of it all is, I finally realized my dream of an office job.  It was everything I had always wanted and not only did I love the work I was thriving in it.  I had respect from the executives, I had finally proven myself.  It was only going to get better from there.

Maybe I'll add on to this later on.  Tomorrow's post will be the last 3 months, a lot of woe, self loathing, and despair.  Saddle up for a bumpy ride!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

My life sucks again...imagine that

This could take pages and pages of blog space to tell you about. The time between the last post and this one,  March - November, as I have been extremely lax in my posting and SO VERY MUCH HAS HAPPENED!  Ok, just counted so I'll do this in 3 posts over the next few days.  Today Day 1 being March-May. 

March was great, but scary.  Ok, just had to go back and reread my previous post to figure out where I was, at that time.  It was the night before.  Wow!  I had no clue what I was about to embark on.  This is the job movies are made of, and I really wouldn't be surprised if something doesn't come out of this a book, movie, I'm not kidding but I am getting ahead of myself.

March 14, 2012 will be a day that will go down in my history book.  The day that I started the job I have been dreaming about for 20 years.  I always knew I could do office work, and that I would be good at it.  That skill-set is my strongest.  I was scared shitless and witless that morning. When I walked in there were some other girls standing at the desk.  Dama (high school friend, boss, and will forever be known as the awesome person who saw my potential), Melinda (mail room, I'll help you any way I can), Rebecca (funny as all get out, bosses daughter who don't do jack shit), and Lisa.  I was told Lisa was going to be my co-worker.  They had realized it really took more than one to do the job and though we would work well together.  I admit I wasn't thrilled about that, I had said it the previous post about the anxiety, but it helped that this girl had NO customer service skills at all.  She looked to me for help and I inadvertently ended up being her trainer, even though no one was training me.  Basically our training was here is the desk, answer the phone with good morning/afternoon home office.  Take messages and we'll go over them at the end of the day.  People that came in the office were our affiliates who were coming in to buy bids.  We had to take their money, input their bids into the computer, and write receipts.  We were introduced throughout the day, Roger Plyler head of Affiliate Service, met Mr. Burks formally again, and was introduced to Dawn Wright-Olivares.  They were all very inviting and pleased to have us there.  I got a text from Tim that morning.  I hadn't heard from him in a while and out of nowhere a text.  Typical Tim style, I didn't know if I would get in trouble for my phone so I acknowledged that I got the text, but that I couldn't talk and I think that might be the last text I got from him.  We might have texted a couple more times but over the course of those few days was the last I've heard from him...this time anyway.  He has a way of knowing when I am completely somewhere else and blindsiding me with a call or text so we'll see.  Anyway back to the story.

After the first week or two everything exploded.  Gradually every day there were more and more people coming in to buy bids, that meant less time we could spend answering the phones.  I found out later that initially the plan was to have me up front taking care of the affiliates, and Lisa answering phones and helping me when I was "in the weeds". By the time our furniture arrived and Lisa was supposed to be moved we realized she was going to be spending all her time up front with me anyway she might as well have her desk up there with me too.  There was room and it really made the most sense so we went that route, and THANK GOD!  The bottom fell out no longer after that.

Every Wednesday the CEO would take a select few affiliates to lunch to discuss business, get their questions answered, find out new information and such.  This got so out of control they had to up it to one Wednesday a month and on a much grander scale. April was our first "Red Carpet Wednesday."  Instead of 10-15 a week their would not be 2-300 people on one day for a catered event.  For us (corporate office) that meant people coming from all over the world and they all wanted to see the office.  Busloads of people showed up.  They treated Mr. Paul Burks like he was the second coming of Jesus Christ.  We used to say like a Rock Star, but it was really more the latter.  Everyone wanted to shake his hand, the women were crying and wanting to hug the man who was giving them their life back.  Miss Dawn Wright-Olivares, sashayed around like Miss Universe and had her loyal subjects hanging on every word.  They gave tours at the first one.  Dawn had forgotten our names, and didn't bother to ask.  When she brought in the first group she said,"this is just reception and BACK HERE THIS IS MELINDA"!!! By the last tour we were, "these are just the clerks, and HERE'S blah, blah, blah".  So it's not a stretch to believe she left a bad taste in my mouth after that. It was all so exciting, but I could never get over how weird it was either.  If you are reading this blog, you already know I am anxious and pessimistic.  It was around this time I started waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We noticed weird things going on, like the bank refused to accept fax payments anymore, we couldn't take cards in the office, so when the fax went down the mail:  USPS, UPS, FED EX, DHL went CRAZY.  I got my Mom a part time job around the middle of May in the mail room.  It was supposed to be only 20 or so hrs a week, she ended up working as much as I was.  The lines started reaching epic proportions.  On the day of the May red carpet event we had to go.  It was a disaster and we got up and left right in the middle.  We were treated like 2nd class citizens, so we protested.  When we got back, it took 4-6 of us all writing receipts to get the hundreds of people taken care of that had assembled in our absence. 

The business caught on like wildfire.  The mail got so far behind that people were having to wait up to 2 weeks to get their bids put in.  When they realized they could walk in and get them put in immediately and leave with receipts the bottom literally fell out.  We had to have an officer there daily to contain the crowds and no one ever wanted to let us close at 5.  Ok, I think this has taken us up through the end of May.

Everything was going so good for us.  The mail being so far behind, we could work all the overtime we wanted.  I was drawing at least 400 a week and mom around 300.  All our bills were finally getting taken care of again and things were great.  I have never been happier.  I mean of course there is always little office BS that I let get to me, but this is truly one of the best times in my life.  This seems like a good stopping point.  Oh it gets so much better in these next 2 sections...until next time.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

A New Beginning

It is Tuesday evening, the night before my new job starts.  This is the kind of job I've been trying to get for 10-15 years. Every since I realized how easy computer work was for me.  Also, with every job I've ever had, the paperwork side of it was the part I liked best.  I have no problem sitting and staring at a computer for hours, or the tasks that go along with an office environment.  I have always throught that is what I was suited for and now I've finally found someone to give me a chance.  I have no doubt in my mind that God stepped in on my behalf. 

All that being said I'm totally and absolutely FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!!!  I think my anxiety issues are obvious from previous posts.  I am so socially awkward it is painful.  Don't get me wrong, with customers it is different.  I don't know why but when it's my job to talk to someone I have no problem.  The problems arise in trying to carry on conversations with new co-workers.  When I went back to Circle K I went for months thinking I didn't fit in there and that everyone hated me.  I am making up shit that doesn't even make sense to me when I write it, but it's how I feel inside.  I know it's irrational, everyone that gets to know me loves me and as soon as the first couple days are over and I get a handle on what I'm doing I'll be fine.  It's just getting through the first couple days without losing it.  Xanax shall be my BFF for the next few days. LOL, God give me strength...

Finally getting something you have always wanted is scary as hell sometimes.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A funny thing happened at work on Friday...

It just hit me today that I completely spaced and forgot to post the results of my job interview on Friday.  Being that I haven't slit my wrists and am still functioning enough to write should be the clue, I GOT THE JOB!!!!

She told me at the end of my interview that she would text me Friday afternoon, after I told her I had to go to work at 2.  So it gets to be around 4:30 and I'm REALLY starting to sweat.  I decided to bite the bullet and text her.  She wrote back about 20 minutes later that the job was mine if I wanted it.  I started jumping up and down and asked Alisa if it was ok for me to go in the back to call Mom.  My Mommy just cried and cried.  She was so happy for me. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I called my manager and told her when my last day would be.  I had been stressing over how much notice to give.  Earlier that day I had said in passing something about having to reschedule a job interview because I didn't realize I had to work on a certain day, she jerked around and said, "you really need to tell me if you are planning to quit because I don't want to take all that time to train you to do the paperwork if you are just going to leave."  My reply was that she knew I had been looking for a job and going on interviews the whole time I had been there and if it came along, I couldn't pass up dollars more an hour.  That made my decision easy.  I told her I'd work out the schedule we were on and through next weekend, so I gave 11 days notice.  I wanted to be able to have a few days in between.

I am so happy beyond words.  It has made work a lot more tolerable too.  Now I don't have to stress over the bullshit going on at the store and working so hard to make up for the ones that don't do shit.  It's especially easier to deal with the customers, because when they piss me off I don't have to worry about getting in trouble because they were an asshole.  I just give it right back.  Funny thing is, when you have that attitude anyway the stuff doesn't bother you as much. 

Friday, March 2, 2012

bad...then good, a flip on the last post in EVERY WAY!!

Ok, so Mom and I have been chugging right along.  We withdrew my tax direct deposit and brought it home and put it up.  All our income has gone straight for bills.  It has been a little hairy sometimes, but it's working.  All the bills are paid this month and we still have a little in the cup.  I have had 3 job opportunites this week.  #1 I got a "mini" promotion at work.  I will learn how to do the paperwork, bank deposits, all the bs.  I will essentially be a store assistant.  The reason I chose to put my hat in the ring is I heard I'd be making 9 an hour and you get monthly bonuses of up to 250 a month.  Well in my case not so much.  I was told I would be a lead Customer Service Rep which is basically a non-bonus Assistant, and here's the kicker of it all  you learn all the paperwork, and run the store in every since of the word and I'll get 40 cents an hour more.  I felt like I had been punched in the chest.  But in the perdicament I'm in I had to take it and just hope for the best.

The same day that happened I got a call from a place I applied a while back.  The girl that called was an old high-school friend that is the hiring manager of a small marketing firm and she needs 2 customer service reps. I had a CTR webinar scheduled for 9-12 on Thursday so I scheduled an interview with her on Thursday afternoon.   I've been thinking all week, I know I can do this but it is total BS and I don't even know why I'm going.  So, then Caterpillar the company called and wants me to go for 3 hour testing on Friday morning.  Which would be the first process in getting hired.  I called and could only get Friday so I knew when that happened I would be scheduled to work.  Oh course I was.  I was so upset, have to be in Winston at 9 for 3 to 4 hour test and then be back home and go to work at 2on hell friday.  All this while you know I won't sleep a damn wink the night before (which is tonight by the way). So yesterday started off pretty sucky.

There's a lady at work that I have to treat with kid gloves.  She can't do the work and keep up with the customers.  I have to stand on the register for hours alone while she cleans endlessly but the funny thing is nothing gets done. Then you have to pet her and tell her you know she's trying and it's ok.  Everything can be flowing right along and literally if I turn my back she will have a line 10 people deep in just a few minutes.  Every time I try to help her she does the exact opposite and when my manager tells me to tell her something again she does the exact opposite.  So yesterday I went out to do the trash.  I had my cell with me because I was literally on the verge of a breakdown and I needed to hear my Mom's voice.  So I talked to her a minute and got on about my business.  It dawned on me if all the classes weren't filled I could cancel the CTR class and go to caterpillar instead becasue the were virtually the same time frame.  She got busy while I was outside.  That is nothing new, as I said before you can't step away without her having a 10 deep line.  I looked on an email, found the number to call and tried to reschedule the test but they were all full up so that wasn't an option.  Bummer but ok, I'll just have to do it.  I walked back inside and this lady says " Where have you BEEN!" I said I was doing trash, she says with distaste in her mouth :"for 35 minutes!"  I said I was not gone that long and then she said I was outside TEXTING.  I said no I wasn't and she said she saw me, the store was FULL  of people.  So I said to her don't you start with me right now and got on the register and helped my customers until everyone was gone.  As soon as that last person left I turned to her and said number 1 I wasn't texing I had a phone call to make and I can walk and talk at the same time and I don't appreciate you talking to me that way in front of the customers.  She made some snide comment and I lost it I yelled to her "I'VE NEVER TOLD JULIE ABOUT HOW IT TAKES YOU 6 HOURS TO CLEAN UP OVER THERE AND HOW YOU HAVE TO RUN OUTSIDE AND SMOKE EVERY HOUR EITHER, BUT I CAN IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT TO DO IT"  She told me it was time for hourly smoke and went and stayed outside for 10 minutes.  Ok here's the deal.  I promise you I stand on the register and do up to 2000 dollars more a day than she does.  She gets gone and have no idea where she is and she really does find an excuse to go outside every hour or so.  One day Julie told her 2 cigs a shift and she went out twice before 5 (we came in at 2).  All this stuff and I never say a word or take a break.  Just work and make up for her slack. So there was this thick tension at work all day.  Then this other customer made me feel like an imbecile because I did something stupid and I just started crying right there at the register.  Must have cried for 10 minutes.  The offing myself thoughts were in full swing last night.  The first REALLY bad day I've had in a long time.  I just hate my life and I'm so miserable and keep thinking it's never going to get better.  I go to sleep.

This morning I wake up with the interview hanging over my head.  I'm nervous and excited, but it helps that I know the girl that called and I'm hoping she will be the one to interview me.  I got up washed my hair and did my coffee, Internet ritual.  While checking my email I found out I won a contest.  I'm getting these adorable hand made water color lanterns.Click here to check out Moonbeams and Applesauce and the lanterns I'm getting.  So that is a positive way to start the day, huh?  I got that familiar feeling of butterflies/nervous dread in my stomach, but I powered thought and went.  I walk in the door and she greets me and tells me to have a seat she'll be right with me.  There is this guy that is an NFL player sitting there and another man talking about Snoop Dog.  I thought he was joking at first but was dead serious.  Anyway she takes me back in her office and tells me a little about the job, but it wasn't an interview at all.  It was like she hired me before I got there and I just had to show up.  She told me in the first 5 minutes she remembered me from school and what I was like and that she knew I would fit in with them there and I had the experience I needed to do the job.  This is a 9-5 job, literally 5 minutes from home, and 12 dollars an hour running the front desk of the business.  I still feel like I'm going to wake up and this won't be true.  She said I was her top pick. She had 2 other people she had to interview just to say she did, but she was leaning toward me.  She said she couldn't tell me I had the job today, but I was her top pick and it's pretty much a done deal.  We talked about how much of a notice I'm going to have to give to Julie.  I have been REELING all afternoon.  You don't even have to dress up.
If this works out I won't even have to worry about the CTR shit anymore.  With my degree and 2 or 3 years running the front desk at a marketing company...I can get a job very easily.  I will find out definitely tomorrow afternoon.  I always do cartwheels for significant achievements in my life.  When I got my job at Dell, when I was accepted into my program, when I got my degree, when I got my CTR, here is the one for the day when my life started to change for the better...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

good...then bad

Well, it was just last night that I was thinking I should come on and give myself an update.  Just so there won't be any huge gaps for future reading.  I've been doing really well.  Only a few rubber band smacks to myself.  I had the weekend (fri, sat, and sun) off work this past weekend.  The first time I've had a complete weekend off since June when I started.  I usually work every Sat and Sun.  Have had 1 Sat, 1 Sun off in 6 months and they weren't together.  It was GREAT.  Adam didn't come so I just got to relax and be.  That being said I was bored out of my mind most of the time, but I got much needed physical and mental rest. 

It started again last night.  I'm laying in bed tossing and turning with this huge pit in my stomach.  I only slept a couple hours total.  It was one of those fall asleep and then wake up wide awake 30 minutes later then it would take me an hour to go to sleep again.  I cried all the way to work today and couldn't stop when I got there :( I cried for 10 minutes after I got there.  So work was ok, went better than a lot of days I have, mood wise anyhow.  I was EXHAUSTED, got off at 8. Mom picked me up, we went to get something to eat and by the grocery store.  I ate, watched a little tv, took my bath around 12:30, and layed down.  It's 3:34 am, I am so tired, I've been crying again, and I can't go to sleep.  Everytime I try I get that feeling in my stomach and just lay and stare and worry and cry.  I am driving myself insane.  I just popped myself twice, cuz I thought about killing myself.  I know I'm going to have to answer for all this one day, and what am I going to tell Him?  Well, now I have something new to worry about. 

I was ok a little bit ago and when I layed down my phone and closed my eyes I started thinking about, Mom is going to die, not right now but one day it's going to happen and I'll have to live the rest of my life without her.  I'm crying again.  I cannot imagine life without her in it.  She is literally the glue that holds me together, as together as I am.  Just out of the blue I start thinking about that and crying.  WTF???

GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!